Tuesday, July 14, 2009

I'm Sorry But the Princess is in Another Castle Douche-Bag

That's really all Toad has been saying all these years. We all know when you get to the end of a castle, your plumber pants soaked to the bone with sweat, water, cheep-cheep blood, the last thing you want to hear is the girl you're trying to rescue isn't here.

Now here is the question. Did Toad have an alternative motive? Here's a few questions to ponder this morning.

Why was Toad at the end of the castle in the first place? Did he really get through all of the traps, the flaming spindels of death, the dry bones turtles, the fire plants, unscathed? This doesn't make sense, unless there was insider trading in the Mushroom Kingdom.

Is Toad following you or does he have seven brothers? He's seriously in every castle.

What is he? Mario is Italian, Bowser is like an evil dragon turtle, goombas are little racist blobs, but Toad? Is he a mushroom? Is he amphibian? Is he human? He's not a frog so why is he named after one.

Has Toad boned down on the princess. He's always near her, following her, doing favors for her for years and years while Mario is away busting blocks and collecting coins to satisfy the princesses high maintenance needs. Is it that far fetched to think that Toad doesn't have a mondo toad crush on her? You don't think that maybe one night, Princess was lonely and Toad came in to give her a back massage and he says, "I'm here for you." Maybe his hand slipped, maybe he slipped something into her fungus water, maybe he just overpowered her, but I am convinced they have shared fluids.

Toad has always been one of the most annoying characters (even if he was the best character to play in Mario 2). His scream in Mario Kart is dreadful, his voice in the cartoon was like nails on a chalkboard, and his fashion choice? IS that an Aladdin vest he's rocking? Is his head representative of a turban? This may be a bit of an assumption, but could it be that Toad is working with Al Queda?

And now finally after all these years, I have uncovered proof that Toad had alternative motives. Look at what he's doing when you see him at the end of the castle. That's the bird! He's flipping us off! This Toad conspiracy must come to an end, and the World must know the truth!


  1. What is Toad? Well he's obviously a fun-guy. Get it?! Fungi?! Fun guy?! Oh man, I am the best.