Princess Peach Is About To Get A Whole Lot Sexier

You know that great feeling you get after you defeat Bowser and you get the girl? Then how quickly that feeling leaves as you are forced to watch hundreds of unpronounceable names wiz past you just to see the last cut scene. Well what if instead of just watching credits and thinking of all the dirty things you’re going to do to the princess in your head, you actually got to fuck the princess.



That’s the idea behind the latest Wii accessory the Mojowijo. With attachments that vibrate and stimulate both male and female sex organs, the Mojowijo was originally concepted as a way to, “stay in touch” with lovers in long distance relationships. Super, I’m for it. Not just for the practical use of wanking it to your lover across the sea, but think of all the amazing games that could use something like this. Here are a few ideas to get the ball rolling. Feel free to send me a check Nintendo, Sony and Microsoft for licensing.

Mortal Kumbat
You choose to be either one of six ultimate fuckers, either male or female (depending on your attachment) and you fight to the death. The twist? Let’s just say when you hear “finish her” you better be ready.


Metal Cock Solid
You take on the role of Solid Cock, a military, secret agent. An expert in hiding in the shadows and taking down victims, who unfortunately has a propensity to be a pedophile. Run around the three different levels, girls locker room, playground, and Sunday school class and see how many little boys and girls you can take down in the shadows.


Kirby’s Epic Blow
The pink adventurer has never has more fun as he has to suck his way through eighteen levels of madness. Each enemy he sucks off he gains a special ability. Try to suck them all.


Poke’fuk
Collect as many dirty scanky ho’s as you can. Sneak up on them tackle them to the ground and then fuck them into submission. Once tamed they become your permanent sex slaves to use whenever you want. Combine abilities for even more fun! Gotta fuck them all!

You Sound A Little Pitchy Dawg

Dog and cat videos are seriously the best, and this dog may be the biggest dstar since that terrier from "Frasier".

Dog Wizz

Exactly how long was this dog inside for before he released his pent-up urine?

Spider-Man: The Next Big Teen Sensation

I had a terrifying thought last night. You know how the director of 500 Days of Summer is making the next generation of Spider-Man. You know how they want to set it all in high school? And they cast a super hunky dude as Peter Parker himself? Well what if their evil plan is far worse than anything that dreamed up from The Sinister Six themselves.
What if they’re planning on turning Spider-Man, one of the best superheroes of all time, into the next Twilight?

Imagine it. Teens screaming over “Team Spidey” and “Team Goblin.” Imagine tons of merchandise marketed to tweens. Imagine waiting in line with your little sister?

I don’t think it’s that far out there. Twilight has made a bajillion dollars and has made stars out of a creepy, pale dude and an Indian wrestler, or something like that. They’ve made a cultural phenomenon that takes two badass things, vampires and werewolves, and makes them tween safe. Something that could easily be done with the right superhero franchise.

It’s got everything that Twilight has and more. Hot, young stars, a cast of diverse characters, luke-warm action and of course a love interest. Now, granted Stan Lee is definitely no Stephanie Meyer, but I can’t help but worry that some studio heads are planning to destroy one of our most sacred costumed vigilantes.

Keep your heads up Spidey fans. We may have a revolt on our hands.