Wednesday, May 4, 2011

Small Men, Big Power Trips

Here’s a fun little anecdote for ya. I was recently talking with a colleague of mine who was having difficulties with her boss. She was talking about a recent power trip he was on where he, through an email mind you, using wonderful prose, diction, and short harsh sentences, talked down and sent her into a tsunami of rage. Not only was his feedback unclear, but he twisted it in such a way that she appeared the one to blame for the current snag. Using motivating phrases like, “figure it out.” And “Just fix it.” He clearly indicated that he didn’t care how the problem was solved, so long as it was solved and he didn't have to deal with it. Then after harshly dominating his power, he rushed off onto a vacation. While this may sound like a typical boss on yet another power trip, it dawned on me. Having worked with the man myself I understood what the issue was. He was ridiculously short. Like five foot nothing. Meanwhile I stand at a modest five ten, five eleven, and am, for the most part, a fairly relaxed individual. Thus I came to my hypothesis. Short men= big power trips.

So with my hypothesis in place, I sent out to prove my findings. Now how to prove this, I took a look at my last five supervisors and took into consideration their height, and their level of bullshit power trips.

The subjects:

Frankensteins' are friendly

Boss Number 1:
Extremely tall man. Like Frankenstein tall.
Power trip level. Extremely low.

Although he did fire me for an extremely small, arguably silly incident, he was a lovable great boss. So how did I get fired? Well he was clearly an anti-Semite.

I'm hot, and could care less about your performance

Boss Number 2:
Moderately average height, moderately attractive female.
Power trip level: Minimum.
Stayed here for years. Got away with next to murder. She was friendly, loved me, and was one of the better bosses I’ve ever had. Anyone that catches you maing grilled cheeses on a coffee burner and looks the other way, well your ok in my book.

Inside, I hate myself

Boss number 3:
Average height man. About two inches shorter than me.
Power trip level: moderately severe.
While he was cranky, for the most part he dealt with his problems by keeping it inside, until it exploded and he was fired.

I hate how short I am!

Boss number 4:
Very short man.
Power trip level: Extreme
Every opportunity he had to make me fix something, whether it be a line of copy, a single word, or even just a tone he didn’t like, he would consistently make me wait around and through around his power.

The worst combo

Boss Number 5:
Average height woman. Ugly, bad speech impediment
Power trip level: Ultra Extreme
While not officially my boss, I added her to even the results and come to my ultimate consensus. From what I hear she was an uptight bitch, who only wanted things done her way.

After careful observation, crunching the numbers and totally over exaggerating, I have developed my consensus.

If your boss is a male, the shorter he is, the stronger the power trip. See fig. 1.

Figure 1

If your boss is a female, the uglier she is, the stronger the power trip. See fig 2.

Fig. 2

Since they can’t talk down to you physically, they have to make themselves seem bigger in other more creative ways. Like verbal abuse.

So kiddies, beware a short ugly female boss. They are the superlative example of pure evil.

Monday, May 2, 2011

Reality Isn't Bright and Shiny, It's Fucking Dusty and Smells Like A Rotting corpse

My friends at (well I consider them friends even though I have never met any of them) recently published an article about how disappointing life can be. This struck a chord with me (D minor methinks) because, well basically since I graduated college, a lot of things about adult life were just monstrously disappointing. There’s a quiet innocence of not only being a child, but also being a college student. So here’s my list of things you think and hope for in college, but are sorely disappointed by once you graduate.

Getting a job with a college degree is super easy

No, it’s not at all. It fucking sucks and is much harder than getting a job at your local fast food restaurant. Take for instance your typical job board, like or any number of wonderful job sites. At first glance you’ll say, holy fuck, I’ll have a job by lunch time! But the reality of it is half these jobs are done by bots, a third are outdated, and the rest are sales jobs. You’ll apply to dozens and dozens of these jobs and you’ll get dozens and dozens of spam emails, fake job offers and bullshit signs of hope straight to your inbox.

A college degree is the new high school diploma

When I graduated, I was so sure I’d be writing TV commercials for beers and loving life all the time. The reality, I went around with my fancy new degree and portfolio of bullshit work only to be laughed at and told I needed another type of school. A fancy schmancy art school or portfolio school. “But wait,” my internal brain worked, “I literally just finished school. No more tests, no more books, no more teachers dirty…” No, I needed more than a slip of paper that said I passed some classes. Seriously with your degree the best you can hope for is an entry-level sales job at an insurance company. I wish I didn’t know as many people that have graduated and are still working their college jobs, but I do.

Experience is nothing. It’s about who you know.

Seriously, a resume full of awesome experience looks really great on paper. But to a recruiter it’s nothing, they see hundreds of these a week and could care less that you worked for a tiny start-up company in your Podunk small town. In the corporate world, the only way to get in touch with someone who will actually talk back to you is to know someone yourself. Once they connect the dots, something might happen. So be friendly and talk to everyone you meet even if their dicks you hate.

That job you’ve been dreaming about that is going to be so much better than working at a restaurant or your retail cashier position, isn’t any better.

Your boss still sucks. The hours are still fucked up. The work is still dreadfully boring. And you don’t move. You become sluggish. You start to slow down and put on weight. You loose motivation. Essentially your dreams become crushed. There is no job that you look forward to. There is only something you can put up with for eight (but probably more) hours a day.

Happy living everyone!