Pandas Will Eat Your Face

Panda’s are adorable. They have those big eyes hidden in a cute tuft of black fur. They harmlessly eat bamboo and nap in the sunlight. Some even do adorable kung-fu moves.


This is the average humans perception of Pandas.


Awww cute right.

Look they even sneeze cute.


But I want to clear one thing up right here, right now. Pandas are death machines. Shave a panda and you loose all the cuteness and have just a killing machine.

Here’s a fun fact. Did you know Panda’s used to eat meat until their habitat changed and they were forced to eat nothing but stringy tough bamboo? It’s true. Seriously, Wikipedia that shit.

Now imagine this. You’re living life, eating all sorts of steaks and burgers and just enjoying the shit out of the taste of flesh, and all of a sudden, BAM! No more meat. Enjoy your bamboo fucker. I would think you’d be pretty pissed off right. Enough so that if even the slightest smell of meat comes near you, you’d probably try to shred it to bits and eat the fuck out of it.

Maybe like this?



Where’s your cute doe-eyed panda now?

Just remember the next time you look at a panda and see this…

You should really see this.


This has been a public service announcement by the people who don't want you to get your head ripped off by Pandas.

Who Is Making These!?

Add this to the dancing girl, the woman with the shrinking belly, the terrorist looking mother fucker and that cute little flash game where you move a car into your age as official WTF ads.

I don't think I'm an advertising genius or anything, and I don't want to sound like my college professor or anything, but what's the strategy here? Here is what I can gather from it.

Beating women gets you a better house payment.

Being a slut that gets dirty makes the president rethink homeowner prices.

The bigger your hoop earrings and more bruises you have, the cheaper your house!

If you get in a car accident and then see your ex blowing a clown and the look on your face is equal to terror, surprise and eroticism, you qualify!

Messed Up YouTube

Small Men, Big Power Trips

Here’s a fun little anecdote for ya. I was recently talking with a colleague of mine who was having difficulties with her boss. She was talking about a recent power trip he was on where he, through an email mind you, using wonderful prose, diction, and short harsh sentences, talked down and sent her into a tsunami of rage. Not only was his feedback unclear, but he twisted it in such a way that she appeared the one to blame for the current snag. Using motivating phrases like, “figure it out.” And “Just fix it.” He clearly indicated that he didn’t care how the problem was solved, so long as it was solved and he didn't have to deal with it. Then after harshly dominating his power, he rushed off onto a vacation. While this may sound like a typical boss on yet another power trip, it dawned on me. Having worked with the man myself I understood what the issue was. He was ridiculously short. Like five foot nothing. Meanwhile I stand at a modest five ten, five eleven, and am, for the most part, a fairly relaxed individual. Thus I came to my hypothesis. Short men= big power trips.

So with my hypothesis in place, I sent out to prove my findings. Now how to prove this, I took a look at my last five supervisors and took into consideration their height, and their level of bullshit power trips.

The subjects:

Frankensteins' are friendly

Boss Number 1:
Extremely tall man. Like Frankenstein tall.
Power trip level. Extremely low.

Consensus:
Although he did fire me for an extremely small, arguably silly incident, he was a lovable great boss. So how did I get fired? Well he was clearly an anti-Semite.


I'm hot, and could care less about your performance

Boss Number 2:
Moderately average height, moderately attractive female.
Power trip level: Minimum.
Consensus:
Stayed here for years. Got away with next to murder. She was friendly, loved me, and was one of the better bosses I’ve ever had. Anyone that catches you maing grilled cheeses on a coffee burner and looks the other way, well your ok in my book.


Inside, I hate myself

Boss number 3:
Average height man. About two inches shorter than me.
Power trip level: moderately severe.
Consensus:
While he was cranky, for the most part he dealt with his problems by keeping it inside, until it exploded and he was fired.


I hate how short I am!

Boss number 4:
Very short man.
Power trip level: Extreme
Consensus:
Every opportunity he had to make me fix something, whether it be a line of copy, a single word, or even just a tone he didn’t like, he would consistently make me wait around and through around his power.


The worst combo

Boss Number 5:
Average height woman. Ugly, bad speech impediment
Power trip level: Ultra Extreme
Consensus:
While not officially my boss, I added her to even the results and come to my ultimate consensus. From what I hear she was an uptight bitch, who only wanted things done her way.

Results:
After careful observation, crunching the numbers and totally over exaggerating, I have developed my consensus.

If your boss is a male, the shorter he is, the stronger the power trip. See fig. 1.

Figure 1

If your boss is a female, the uglier she is, the stronger the power trip. See fig 2.

Fig. 2

Since they can’t talk down to you physically, they have to make themselves seem bigger in other more creative ways. Like verbal abuse.

So kiddies, beware a short ugly female boss. They are the superlative example of pure evil.

Reality Isn't Bright and Shiny, It's Fucking Dusty and Smells Like A Rotting corpse

My friends at Cracked.com (well I consider them friends even though I have never met any of them) recently published an article about how disappointing life can be. This struck a chord with me (D minor methinks) because, well basically since I graduated college, a lot of things about adult life were just monstrously disappointing. There’s a quiet innocence of not only being a child, but also being a college student. So here’s my list of things you think and hope for in college, but are sorely disappointed by once you graduate.

Getting a job with a college degree is super easy

No, it’s not at all. It fucking sucks and is much harder than getting a job at your local fast food restaurant. Take for instance your typical job board, like careerbuilder.com or any number of wonderful job sites. At first glance you’ll say, holy fuck, I’ll have a job by lunch time! But the reality of it is half these jobs are done by bots, a third are outdated, and the rest are sales jobs. You’ll apply to dozens and dozens of these jobs and you’ll get dozens and dozens of spam emails, fake job offers and bullshit signs of hope straight to your inbox.

A college degree is the new high school diploma

When I graduated, I was so sure I’d be writing TV commercials for beers and loving life all the time. The reality, I went around with my fancy new degree and portfolio of bullshit work only to be laughed at and told I needed another type of school. A fancy schmancy art school or portfolio school. “But wait,” my internal brain worked, “I literally just finished school. No more tests, no more books, no more teachers dirty…” No, I needed more than a slip of paper that said I passed some classes. Seriously with your degree the best you can hope for is an entry-level sales job at an insurance company. I wish I didn’t know as many people that have graduated and are still working their college jobs, but I do.

Experience is nothing. It’s about who you know.

Seriously, a resume full of awesome experience looks really great on paper. But to a recruiter it’s nothing, they see hundreds of these a week and could care less that you worked for a tiny start-up company in your Podunk small town. In the corporate world, the only way to get in touch with someone who will actually talk back to you is to know someone yourself. Once they connect the dots, something might happen. So be friendly and talk to everyone you meet even if their dicks you hate.




That job you’ve been dreaming about that is going to be so much better than working at a restaurant or your retail cashier position, isn’t any better.

Your boss still sucks. The hours are still fucked up. The work is still dreadfully boring. And you don’t move. You become sluggish. You start to slow down and put on weight. You loose motivation. Essentially your dreams become crushed. There is no job that you look forward to. There is only something you can put up with for eight (but probably more) hours a day.

Happy living everyone!

Sometimes, Even I Think I’m Lame.

I love Facebook and Twitter but lately I feel like my obsession with creating the perfect status update has gotten to a point of utter ridiculousness. I mean when I actually think and break down the energy and thought put into this, in contrast to the amount of people who will actually stop and give a fuck about it, it makes me want to put my own head in a toilet.

Let’s break this down for a second shall we. I have roughly 300 friends on The Book. Of those 300, let’s immediately cut out half of them as people who joined Facebook, friended all their old flames, high school chums, and casual acquaintances and immediately stopped checking.

After that, let’s get rid of another dozen or so that are obligatory friends of a friend, and in all honesty, probably have my feed hidden.

What’s left? People that might actually give a shit. Who are these people? Well, just like me, they are people sitting around, bored as fuck and compulsively checking Facebook every ten minutes for what is new. These are people that click links like mad, are “thumbs up” fanatics, and get sexually aroused by notification alerts.

Of my 300 friends, I would say this is about ten people.

Anyone else who hasn’t been accounted for can be segmented into the friends who have lives outside the internet. These folks check Facebook and are mildly active, but are busy living lives where they are actually outside doing things and interacting with real people.

So my point behind all of this is, why do I give a fuck? If the only people I’m reaching is about ten people who compulsively like any link or article that comes their way, why do I spend a good five minutes trying to craft the perfect status update? I’m not writing a speech to deliver to the nation. I’m not competing in a regional stand up comedy competition. Hell, I’m not even trying to make an actual physical entity laugh. The best I can hope for is a LOL. If I’m lucky a LMAO and if I’m truly fortunate, the fabled and highest honor you can get on social media, the retweet.

Let’s take a look at an example status update from my feed.

“Facebook has done more for the “thumbs up” than Fonzie ever did kicking jukeboxes.”

Hahahahahahhahahahahaha
I mean aren't you just rolling in the aisle laughing!?
I guess it's OK. I mean it made me laugh and isn’t that the ultimate reason anyone puts anything on Facebook? And that’s all well and fine, but let’s take a look at the list of options I wrote before ultimately deciding on the “perfect” status.

Facebook. The modern day Fonzie. #ThumbsUp

What do Facebook and Fonzie have in common?

Who did more for the thumbs up, Facebook or Fonzie?

Who had a bigger influence on the thumbs up, Facebook or Fonzie?

Facebook or Fonzie? Who influenced the thumbs up more?

Facebook or Fonzie? Who better used the thumbs up

Like I said, sometimes I just want to punch me in the gut and give me a wedgie. But, I guess if you actually read this, please give me a thumbs up or something. My ego needs constant stroking and it’ll help me get through just one more day.

That's Interwebs

Hey everyone. It’s been a while but I’ve been busy settling in and getting adjusted to my new life in Southern California. So far, man it’s been gorgeous. The weather, the people, it’s been quite wonderful. And I gotta say, as was the case in Milwaukee when I was alone in a new city, the internet has reached out it’s loving wires and given me an embrace.

In a mere, three weeks since I’ve been out her, I’ve made at least four different connections with new friends that express similar interests. In a variety of places and types of people. I’ve met great people to drink good beer and catch a movie with. I’ve watched a fried chicken eating contest with people who like gaming. I’ve smoked hookah with my new roommates. It’s been a transition, but it’s been a fun one.

And amazingly, all of these people who didn’t exist in my life up until three weeks ago, were introduced to me by the ultimate networker, the internet.

I love how the internet has evolved from a place where antisocial freaks can bitch about the latest season of Battlestar Gallactica, to this magical world where you can meet new and interesting people just by typing a few sentances and hitting send. The hangups about the creepiness are gone (for the most part). As long as you use good judgment by meeting new people in a public place (to avoid potential stabbings) you can literally open up a world of opportunity.

So get out there fans of the internet, and meet some cool people. I know it’s possible. It’s all I’ve done the last four years of my life.

ADAB Is Moving

For all of you screaming at the tops of your lungs, "where is the latest post!" the answer is coming soon. I'm moving to LA and will be on haitus until I figure out this whole Left Coast lifestyle.

See you on the sunny side!

Justin

My Best Of 2010

Before you scroll down to see my list of whatever I liked in 2010, a few points for you to consider.

1. I’m not an artsy dude. I’m not a critic. I like popcorn movies. I like brainless television and silly books. I can’t stand critics and movie buffs that can’t just turn off and enjoy a stupid movie.
2. This list includes music and books that may not have been released in 2010. But I discovered it this year, so fuck off.
3. Boobs and dinosaurs will always be on my favorite things of the year, therefore I felt it unnecessary to include in this list.


Books

That’s right I’m starting of the year with books. Why? To make me look smarter than I actually am. However one look at this list, and all those notions will fly right out the window. Comics and pop junk rule.


Sandman Volume 1 Preludes and Nocturnes
Neil Gaiman
I’ve only read the first part of this epic graphic novel, but man is it cool. Super violent, super dark, and written by a super smart, super British amazing writer.


Batman: Year One
Frank Miller
Normally I say, Fuck Frank! I don’t like Sin City, I didn’t really like The Dark Knight Strikes Back and I hated The Spirit. This however was an amazing look into the caoed crusaders first year on the job.


Hush
Jeff Loeb
A great story with tons of villains and mystery. You’ll keep guessing who the mysterious wrapped up man is up until the final panel. There was a rumor that the next Batman film will be based partly on this story. After reading it, I sure hope that’s true.


The Killing Joke
Alan Moore
My favorite Batman comic ever. Read it for the first time and was instantly hooked. I love the Joker origin, the dark, evil tones, and the art style is spot on.


Scott Pilgrim 1-6
Bryan Lee O’Malley
The movie was amazing, but the books are even better. Love the Manga influenced style, love all the characters and all the great nods to classic NES games.


Heart Shaped Box
Joe Hill
Steven King’s son with a whole set of writing chops of his own. Really fun story about ghosts and obsessed, aging rock stars.


The Dark Tower II: The Drawing of the Three
The Dark Tower III: Wastelands
Steven King
I read the first four this year, but these two were by far the best. I look forward to reading the rest of this series, but I don’t think it’s going to get better than that amazing house eating scene with Jake and Eddie.


Downtown Owl
Chuck Klosterman
I love Chuck for all his essays and musings on pop culture, but this is his first actual novel. It reads similar to Fargo Rock City, but has more sports and a lot more melodrama.


A Dirty Job
Christopher Moore
By far the funniest author I’ve read. This story is all about a shopkeeper who slowly realizes he is becoming Death. Takes place in San Fran and fits in with the city’s awesome weirdness.

Music
Again, not all of these albums were released this year. I just discovered them this year.
In no particular order:


Mumford and Sons Sigh No More
Key Tracks: “Little Lion Man”, “The Cave”, “Winter winds”


Atmosphere To All My Friends
Key Tracks: “The Best Day”, “The Major Leagues”, “Americareful”


Aunt Martha CandyMaker
Key Tracks: “Carolina”, “Emilie”, “No Excuses”


Band of Horses Infinite Arms
Key Tracks: “Laredo”, ”Dilly”, “NW Apartment”


Ben Harper Both Sides of the Gun
Key Tracks: “Morning Yearning”, “I’ve Been Waiting For You”, “Never Leave Lonely Alone”


Black Keys Brothers
Key Tracks: “Next Girl”, “Howling For You”, “Unknown Brother”


The Drums The Drums
Key Tracks: “Let’s Go Surfing”, “Me and the Moon”, “Skipping Town”


Fanfarlo Reservoir
Key Tracks: “Ghosts”, “Drowning Men”, “Finish Line”


For Squirrels Example
Key Tracks: “Orangeworker”, “Mighty K.C.”, “Stark Pretty”


Girl Talk All Day
Key Tracks: The Whole Fucking Album


Gorillaz Plastic Beach
Key Tracks: “Welcome To The World Of The Plastic Beach ft. Snoop Dogg”, “Superfast Jellyfish ft. Gruff Rhys & De La Soul”, “Some Kind Of Nature ft. Lou Reed”


Hockey Mind Chaos
Key Tracks: “Too Fake”, “Work”, “Curse This City”


Jimmy Eat World Invented
Key Tracks: “Mt Best Theory”, “Coffee and Cigarettes”, “Littlething”


LCD Soundsystem This Is Happening Now
Key Tracks: Dance Yrself Clean”, “One Touch”, “You Wanted A Hit”


MGMT Congratulations
Key Tracks: “It’s Working”, “I Found A Whistle”, “Brian Eno”


The New Pornagraphers Together
Key Tracks: “Crash Years”, “Silver Jenny Dollar”, “We End Up Together”


OK Go The Blue Colour Of The Sky
Key Tracks: “This Too Shall Pass”, “Skyscrapers”, “End Love”


Tokyo Police Club Champ
Key Tracks: “Favourite Colour”, “Bambi”, “Gone”


Weezer Hurley
Key Tracks: “Trainwrecks”, “Where’s My Sex?”, “I Want to Be Something”


Wolf Parade Expo 86
Key Tracks: Cloud Shadow On The Mountain”, What Did My Lover Say?”, “Pobody’s Nerfect”


The xx The xx
Key Tracks: “Vcr”, “Basic Space”, “Night Time”


Broken Bells Broken Bells
Key Tracks: “Vaporize”, “The Ghost Inside”, “October”

Honorable Mention Songs


Ben Kweller “Wasted and Ready”


Spacehog “In the Meantime”


Blue October “Say It”


The Flaming Lips “Waiting For Superman”


Lou Reed “Satellite Of Love”


Cracker “Low”


Cee-Lo Green “Fuck You”


The Weeks “Buttons”

Podcasts
When I wasn't listening to the above mentioned music, this is what I kept bust with. Living alone these last few years, I have fallen in love with podcasts, just as something to make the apartment feel less empty. Here are my favorite from the year.

Uhh Yeah Dude

Download
My first podcast and still the best after 250 episodes. Just two American Americans broadcasting out of their “studio” in L.A. UYD 4 Life!

Smodcast

download
Kevin Smith’s first podcast. What makes it great isn’t Smith, but Scott Mosier, who is able to rein in Kevin’s crazy ramblings and always come back with a smart, well timed quip.

Hollywood Babble On

download
Great way to get your entertainment news. Another one of Kevin Smith’s podcasts.

Comedy Death Ray Radio

download
Scott Aukerman hosts this weekly comedy show featuring a great cast of reoccurring comedians like Paul F. Tompkins, Bob Odenkirk, Jimmy Pardo, Nick Swardson, Tig Nataro, Sara Silverman, and Nick Kroll. Plus they all do voices. The funniest podcast out there.

Freakonomics Radio

download
Bite sized bits of fun and startling true facts.

The Moth

download
Real stories from real people. Including one fantabulous episode featuring Steve from Blues Clues.

Keeping It Reel: The IGN Movies Podcast

download
Movie news without the arrogance of Hollywood.

And speaking of movies, here’s what I liked this year.

Movies


Exit Through The Gift Shop
Funniest and most interesting movie of the year. Banksy proves he’s a genius not just in the art world, but in Hollywood as well.


Toy Story 3
Made me cry. For that alone it deserves to be on here.


Inception
Such a breath of fresh air in a summer/year full of sequels, remakes and movies based on pre-existing properties.


Scott Pilgrim Vs. The World
It’s a shame this didn’t do better. The best literal comic adaptation ever.


Kick Ass
Very realistic, very graphic, and insanely clever. Best superhero movie in years.


Harry Potter and the Deathly Hollows Pt. 1
Potter movies just keep getting better. I’m sad to see this franchise go, but am thrilled to see how it ends.


How to Train Your Dragon
Totally surprised me. As sweet as any Pixar movie and as exciting as any action movie.


Splice
Creepy. Three words. Alien incest rape.


The Social Network
Thought I would hate it, actually loved it. Great acting, writing and a cool score by Trent Reznor.


Frozen
Freaked the shit out of me. Didn’t know what to expect, but damn, what a scary movie. Even if the cover claimed will do to ski lifts what Jaws did to water, it was damn good.


Tron: Legacy
A very pretty and fun light show.

Worst


Prince of Persia
I was hoping this would be an unexpected surprise. It totally wasn’t.


Legion
Garbage. Just pure garbage. Something to do with the devil and angels, I think.


The Expendables
If you plan to make the best action movie ever, with all these top-notch stars, do not use CGI for fight scenes.


Nightmare on Elm Street
Better than it could have been, and I loved Jackie Earl as Freddie, but fell flat in the end.


Clash of the Titans
Pretty garbage. Hope the sequel is better.


Hot Tub Time Machine
Should have been hilarious. It wasn’t. Shame on you John Cusak.


Alice in Wonderland
Should have been amazing, but was more Charlie and the Chocolate Factory than Batman.


Cop Out
Shame on you Kevin Smith and Bruce Willis and keep trying Tracy Morgan.


The Wolfman
Worst movie ever. I still have no idea what happened in this movie.

TV

Lost
Thanks for the last six years.


Breaking Bad
Weeds on Meth. The most intense show ever.


The Walking Dead
Only saw the first two episodes but they blew me away.


Bored to Death
Jason Schwatzman and Ted Danza are fantastic in this hilarious noir TV show.


South Park
Always great, this season was no exception. Especially the Facebook/Tron episode and the Cooking Show/Shake Weight episode.

Twitter Feeds
Following people on Twitter can be joyous or annoying. Here are the top people that didn’t annoy me.

Kevin Smith @ThatKevinSmith
Hella True Fact of the Day @hellatruefact
Edgar Wright @edgarwright
Peter Sciretta @slashfilm
Twitter Whale @TWlTTERWHALE
Oatmeal @Oatmeal
Doug Benson @DougBenson
The Batman @God_Damn_Batman
Sylvester Stallone @TheSlyStallone
Film Crit Hulk @FilmCritHULK
VeryShortStory @VeryShortStory
IGN @IGN
TasteofBrains @tasteofbrains
Roger Ebert @ebertchicago