Tuesday, March 29, 2011

Sometimes, Even I Think I’m Lame.

I love Facebook and Twitter but lately I feel like my obsession with creating the perfect status update has gotten to a point of utter ridiculousness. I mean when I actually think and break down the energy and thought put into this, in contrast to the amount of people who will actually stop and give a fuck about it, it makes me want to put my own head in a toilet.

Let’s break this down for a second shall we. I have roughly 300 friends on The Book. Of those 300, let’s immediately cut out half of them as people who joined Facebook, friended all their old flames, high school chums, and casual acquaintances and immediately stopped checking.

After that, let’s get rid of another dozen or so that are obligatory friends of a friend, and in all honesty, probably have my feed hidden.

What’s left? People that might actually give a shit. Who are these people? Well, just like me, they are people sitting around, bored as fuck and compulsively checking Facebook every ten minutes for what is new. These are people that click links like mad, are “thumbs up” fanatics, and get sexually aroused by notification alerts.

Of my 300 friends, I would say this is about ten people.

Anyone else who hasn’t been accounted for can be segmented into the friends who have lives outside the internet. These folks check Facebook and are mildly active, but are busy living lives where they are actually outside doing things and interacting with real people.

So my point behind all of this is, why do I give a fuck? If the only people I’m reaching is about ten people who compulsively like any link or article that comes their way, why do I spend a good five minutes trying to craft the perfect status update? I’m not writing a speech to deliver to the nation. I’m not competing in a regional stand up comedy competition. Hell, I’m not even trying to make an actual physical entity laugh. The best I can hope for is a LOL. If I’m lucky a LMAO and if I’m truly fortunate, the fabled and highest honor you can get on social media, the retweet.

Let’s take a look at an example status update from my feed.

“Facebook has done more for the “thumbs up” than Fonzie ever did kicking jukeboxes.”

I mean aren't you just rolling in the aisle laughing!?
I guess it's OK. I mean it made me laugh and isn’t that the ultimate reason anyone puts anything on Facebook? And that’s all well and fine, but let’s take a look at the list of options I wrote before ultimately deciding on the “perfect” status.

Facebook. The modern day Fonzie. #ThumbsUp

What do Facebook and Fonzie have in common?

Who did more for the thumbs up, Facebook or Fonzie?

Who had a bigger influence on the thumbs up, Facebook or Fonzie?

Facebook or Fonzie? Who influenced the thumbs up more?

Facebook or Fonzie? Who better used the thumbs up

Like I said, sometimes I just want to punch me in the gut and give me a wedgie. But, I guess if you actually read this, please give me a thumbs up or something. My ego needs constant stroking and it’ll help me get through just one more day.

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