Sometimes, Even I Think I’m Lame.

I love Facebook and Twitter but lately I feel like my obsession with creating the perfect status update has gotten to a point of utter ridiculousness. I mean when I actually think and break down the energy and thought put into this, in contrast to the amount of people who will actually stop and give a fuck about it, it makes me want to put my own head in a toilet.

Let’s break this down for a second shall we. I have roughly 300 friends on The Book. Of those 300, let’s immediately cut out half of them as people who joined Facebook, friended all their old flames, high school chums, and casual acquaintances and immediately stopped checking.

After that, let’s get rid of another dozen or so that are obligatory friends of a friend, and in all honesty, probably have my feed hidden.

What’s left? People that might actually give a shit. Who are these people? Well, just like me, they are people sitting around, bored as fuck and compulsively checking Facebook every ten minutes for what is new. These are people that click links like mad, are “thumbs up” fanatics, and get sexually aroused by notification alerts.

Of my 300 friends, I would say this is about ten people.

Anyone else who hasn’t been accounted for can be segmented into the friends who have lives outside the internet. These folks check Facebook and are mildly active, but are busy living lives where they are actually outside doing things and interacting with real people.

So my point behind all of this is, why do I give a fuck? If the only people I’m reaching is about ten people who compulsively like any link or article that comes their way, why do I spend a good five minutes trying to craft the perfect status update? I’m not writing a speech to deliver to the nation. I’m not competing in a regional stand up comedy competition. Hell, I’m not even trying to make an actual physical entity laugh. The best I can hope for is a LOL. If I’m lucky a LMAO and if I’m truly fortunate, the fabled and highest honor you can get on social media, the retweet.

Let’s take a look at an example status update from my feed.

“Facebook has done more for the “thumbs up” than Fonzie ever did kicking jukeboxes.”

Hahahahahahhahahahahaha
I mean aren't you just rolling in the aisle laughing!?
I guess it's OK. I mean it made me laugh and isn’t that the ultimate reason anyone puts anything on Facebook? And that’s all well and fine, but let’s take a look at the list of options I wrote before ultimately deciding on the “perfect” status.

Facebook. The modern day Fonzie. #ThumbsUp

What do Facebook and Fonzie have in common?

Who did more for the thumbs up, Facebook or Fonzie?

Who had a bigger influence on the thumbs up, Facebook or Fonzie?

Facebook or Fonzie? Who influenced the thumbs up more?

Facebook or Fonzie? Who better used the thumbs up

Like I said, sometimes I just want to punch me in the gut and give me a wedgie. But, I guess if you actually read this, please give me a thumbs up or something. My ego needs constant stroking and it’ll help me get through just one more day.

That's Interwebs

Hey everyone. It’s been a while but I’ve been busy settling in and getting adjusted to my new life in Southern California. So far, man it’s been gorgeous. The weather, the people, it’s been quite wonderful. And I gotta say, as was the case in Milwaukee when I was alone in a new city, the internet has reached out it’s loving wires and given me an embrace.

In a mere, three weeks since I’ve been out her, I’ve made at least four different connections with new friends that express similar interests. In a variety of places and types of people. I’ve met great people to drink good beer and catch a movie with. I’ve watched a fried chicken eating contest with people who like gaming. I’ve smoked hookah with my new roommates. It’s been a transition, but it’s been a fun one.

And amazingly, all of these people who didn’t exist in my life up until three weeks ago, were introduced to me by the ultimate networker, the internet.

I love how the internet has evolved from a place where antisocial freaks can bitch about the latest season of Battlestar Gallactica, to this magical world where you can meet new and interesting people just by typing a few sentances and hitting send. The hangups about the creepiness are gone (for the most part). As long as you use good judgment by meeting new people in a public place (to avoid potential stabbings) you can literally open up a world of opportunity.

So get out there fans of the internet, and meet some cool people. I know it’s possible. It’s all I’ve done the last four years of my life.