Monday, August 2, 2010

Big Crush

When I was in San Francisco I was reading the local paper with my Grandpa and was amazed at the dozens of love letters sent from local tweens to Justin Bieber, some as young as six. Not only did the Contra Costa Times provide awesome, locker worthy pictures of Bieber for tweens to tape up, they provided a collection of panic attack inducing love letters from fans on why they love Justin Bieber. Here’s a few.

This one’s from an 11 year old.

“One hundred words are not enough to describe how much I love Justin Bieber! He is very talented — not only in singing, but in the other instruments he plays! His hair, I think, is uber-awesome and he is very good looking. I know basically every word to every one of his amazingly written songs. I think he is the best singer in the whole world! Justin is my idol and my goal is to get a hug from him! I love you, Justin Bieber, and can't wait to see you in concert! You are awesome! You rock!"

And this one’s from a 13 year old.

I love him. Everyone thinks his voice sounds like a girl, but I think his voice is amazing. People ask me why I love him. I tell them that just because you think stuff about him doesn't mean it's true. You can't judge a book by its cover. My wall literally has 55 posters of Justin Bieber. I would have more if my walls were big enough. I don't pay attention to JB haters because they're just jealous of his fame! If I could ever meet him and get to hang out with him, I would die. I would do anything for him. I would do anything to meet him!

These girls are fucking nutty for him! Some going as far as saying they would die for him. I’ve never seen so much admiration for an old lesbian.

That got me to thinking though on a few of my crushes I had when I was a young, horned up prepubescent boy. So without further ado, here’s to all my awkward, painful boy boners I popped back in my early years.

Teri Hatcher on The New Adventures of Superman

I can tell you the exact moment I fell in love with her. It’s at second 22 of the opening credits right here. She slides down a slide, pops her head up and you get a nice cleavage shot. It’s hard to believe that this is all it took when I was 12, but this is all it took.

Cameron Diaz in The Mask

The only time, really, the only time I’ve ever found Cameron Diaz attractive was in this movie. When she walks in, in that red dress and gently wipes her heaping bosom with one of Jim Carrey’s tissues, I needed a tissue. It’s the only part in The Mask that is worth watching at all.

Amanda Bynes

She was one of the funniest people on All That (Besides that super fat girl), she posed for Maxim recently and she has grown into a wonderfully talented hot girl. She makes me happy. Like 10 year old Justin happy.

The Tool Time Girl

I don’t know what here name was, in fact, I don’t really care what her name was. All that mattered to me was every Wednesday at 8PM I got to see Tim the Toolman’s hot ass assistant. And I’m not talking about the one in flannel. Or maybe I am.

Gadget from Rescue Rangers

So what if she wasn't real. She looked hot in a jumpsuit, was sharp as a tack, and loved cheese. What was there not to love about her?

Larisa Oleynik A.K.A. Alex Mack

This is the big one. The one that really got me going. She was hot, she had superpowers, she wasn’t all dolled up like a girly girl. She was approachable and when she was on, I just sighed and cuddled my blanket a little bit harder. And the best part, she’s still hot.

That’s who really cranked my shaft back when I was a young, dumb, and unable to… well you get the picture. Who are your top childhood crushes?


  1. That's hard to remember in some cases since my hardest fictional loves have all been as an adult. But I think I fancied Sam from Clarissa Explains it All, Dave Coulier from Nickelodeon's Out of Control and while I watched over my youngest brother's shoulder, I sort of thought the oldest blond boy on Barney was cute.

  2. And of course you already know I will always love Raphael and Wolverine (from the animated series only)