The Best Named, Best Seats In the House

We’ve all been there. You decided in the middle of an extremely hot, summer street festival to drink five beers and attempt an all you can eat rib fest. Whether you call them Port-O-Potty’s, John’s, or a much more crude identifier, we’ve all been in the awkward position of using a disgusting, smelly portable toilet.

This whole thing started when I asked my girlfriend while attending Summerfest, were the Sani-Huts were. Her confused look indicated that she had never heard this term before. As I searched through the toilet humor file in my brain I rambled through a list of names, Port-O-Pottys, Honey Buckets, Shitters?

Unbeknownst to me there is not a universal term for these portable toilets. In fact most of these companies are independently owned with amazingly, disturbingly clever names. In fact the NY Mag put together a list of the top 20 portable toilet names. But just like a New Yorker, they were only thinking about themselves. This inspired me to find the most beloved named portable toilet out there by asking you, my friends and associates. So, before the lock turns red, take a deep breath, and join me as we discover some of the best-named portable toilets.

Port O Potty


This is the mother of all event toilets. It’s at Lollapalooza, Boonaroo, anywhere that dirty, young, hippy kids need to dump their illegal drugs when they notice a K-9 unit. Port-O-Potty is the most recognizable named toilet. Maybe it’s the hyphened name, maybe it’s the use of the word “potty” that brings us back to a childlike state of wonder. Whatever it is, it’s the king of poo hill.

Sani Huts

After doing a bit of research, I discovered this is a Reno original brand. This is why when I asked my Wisconsin-native girlfriend she had no idea what I was talking about. Regardless, this comes top of mind for me when I think portable john.

Honey Bucket

By far one of the grossest names on the list. I don’t like to think about honey and a festering pile of human excrement. It just doesn’t go together. But what I do like is that a ‘honey bucket,’ actually refers to a bucket used as a bathroom where there is no running water. So, I guess it’s aptly named.

Call A Head

Where’s my rim shot. Ah there it is. I love a good pun, even if it involves something as gross as this.

LepreCAN

There’s a whole Irish theme to some of these toilet names, and I’m not sure if it comes from some angry Irish bashing portable toilet company owners or what, but there’s something I like about looking at this leprechaun’s silly face as I’m about to crap in him.

Doodie Calls

NY MAg’s number 1. I definitely give this one points for cleverness. Anytime you can use the word doodie, especially in your companies name, I’m a fan.

Pot-O-Gold

Another toilet with a reference to the Irish. This one doesn’t quite have the zing as LepreCAN, but still when you’re in desperate need, a toilet is kinda like finding that treasure at the end of a rainbow.

Wizards of Ooze

This one is just weird. Really weird. First they’re referencing one of the most beloved movies of our time and using it to make poo holes. Second the wizard has a silly little brush and seems extremely happy for someone about to scrub a hot summer days worth of waste. Third, ooze? Gross.

Johnny On The Spot

I had a friend named Johnny in Elementary school, and always felt bad for the treatment he got whenever we saw one of these. Who knows maybe he pulled a fast one and became the new CEO?

Drop Zone

“Eatin’ two taco’s
Spreadin' out her cheeks tonight
She got you jumpin' in your pants
And shovin' the door open right

Highway to the Drop Zone
I'll take you
Right into the Drop Zone”

-Music and lyrics property of the invincible Kenny Loggins


A.S.S.

This is just a German company named ASS. I couldn’t find out what it stands for but I have a couple of suggestions.

Automatic Shit System
Amazing Stool Shoot
Awesomely Secret Shitter

So, that’s a rundown of some of my favorite, but now do yourself a favor and click on the poll to let the World know once and for all, what is the best-named portable toilet?

What's Your' Portable Toilet?

Maybe It's Opposite Day?

This is the Japanese retail promo display for the new Metroid Other M.
Guess they don't even like their game.

Big Crush

When I was in San Francisco I was reading the local paper with my Grandpa and was amazed at the dozens of love letters sent from local tweens to Justin Bieber, some as young as six. Not only did the Contra Costa Times provide awesome, locker worthy pictures of Bieber for tweens to tape up, they provided a collection of panic attack inducing love letters from fans on why they love Justin Bieber. Here’s a few.

This one’s from an 11 year old.

“One hundred words are not enough to describe how much I love Justin Bieber! He is very talented — not only in singing, but in the other instruments he plays! His hair, I think, is uber-awesome and he is very good looking. I know basically every word to every one of his amazingly written songs. I think he is the best singer in the whole world! Justin is my idol and my goal is to get a hug from him! I love you, Justin Bieber, and can't wait to see you in concert! You are awesome! You rock!"

And this one’s from a 13 year old.

I love him. Everyone thinks his voice sounds like a girl, but I think his voice is amazing. People ask me why I love him. I tell them that just because you think stuff about him doesn't mean it's true. You can't judge a book by its cover. My wall literally has 55 posters of Justin Bieber. I would have more if my walls were big enough. I don't pay attention to JB haters because they're just jealous of his fame! If I could ever meet him and get to hang out with him, I would die. I would do anything for him. I would do anything to meet him!

These girls are fucking nutty for him! Some going as far as saying they would die for him. I’ve never seen so much admiration for an old lesbian.

That got me to thinking though on a few of my crushes I had when I was a young, horned up prepubescent boy. So without further ado, here’s to all my awkward, painful boy boners I popped back in my early years.

Teri Hatcher on The New Adventures of Superman

I can tell you the exact moment I fell in love with her. It’s at second 22 of the opening credits right here. She slides down a slide, pops her head up and you get a nice cleavage shot. It’s hard to believe that this is all it took when I was 12, but this is all it took.


Cameron Diaz in The Mask

The only time, really, the only time I’ve ever found Cameron Diaz attractive was in this movie. When she walks in, in that red dress and gently wipes her heaping bosom with one of Jim Carrey’s tissues, I needed a tissue. It’s the only part in The Mask that is worth watching at all.

Amanda Bynes

She was one of the funniest people on All That (Besides that super fat girl), she posed for Maxim recently and she has grown into a wonderfully talented hot girl. She makes me happy. Like 10 year old Justin happy.

The Tool Time Girl

I don’t know what here name was, in fact, I don’t really care what her name was. All that mattered to me was every Wednesday at 8PM I got to see Tim the Toolman’s hot ass assistant. And I’m not talking about the one in flannel. Or maybe I am.

Gadget from Rescue Rangers

So what if she wasn't real. She looked hot in a jumpsuit, was sharp as a tack, and loved cheese. What was there not to love about her?

Larisa Oleynik A.K.A. Alex Mack

This is the big one. The one that really got me going. She was hot, she had superpowers, she wasn’t all dolled up like a girly girl. She was approachable and when she was on, I just sighed and cuddled my blanket a little bit harder. And the best part, she’s still hot.

That’s who really cranked my shaft back when I was a young, dumb, and unable to… well you get the picture. Who are your top childhood crushes?