I’ve worked on my fair share of web banners, and most of the time they’re so simple, or so mediocre that they’re completely ignorable. But every once in a while, you come across something that for reasons unbeknownst to you but knownst to those who made it, catches your eye.
This banner ad for example is something that caught my attention, but for all the wrong reasons. I noticed it, but then realized how many little things this ad is doing to attract attention.
Now I did not click through to see what the secret was, but if I were a betting man, I bet the secret would be yours for $9.99 a month.
This banner, if you’re a dude, works on your hidden primal desire to fuck young girls. It uses, very advanced psychological shit to make young, horned up (and most importantly) stupid men think, wait, all I have to do is learn this trick and I no longer have to spend my night finger fucking a blanket fold? Here’s just some of the ways they do it.
Color
Red is the only color that is scientifically proven to turn you on. Seriously stare at the color red and see how long it takes for you to get a boner, or the female equivalent, damp panties. Add this sensual color to a picture of a girl and you have a winning combo.
Cropping
This picture is cropped in a way so that the girl, though most likely of age, looks very, very young. Plus, she’s naked holding her tit.
Slash lines
Straight lines are fucking unsexy. Now rotate it a few degrees north and we got something that’ll make you feel like the first day of spring. A slash can easily bring to mind vaginas or cuts in sexy black dresses.
“Secret Method”
These two words have done more for shoddily put together banner ads than .gifs of fat belly/skinny belly. No one knows what the secret is, but everyone wants an easy answer. As if all your dating woes could be solved by a simple answer.
Hypothetical situation assuming all dating problems could be answered using one super easy, weird secret.
Doug: Hey Patty.
Patty: Oh hey… Dwayne was it?
Doug: Doug actually listen I was wondering if…
Patty: Let me stop you there. I will not date you because you only have eight hairs. I mean what are you 15 and you’re already balding.
Doug is slightly rejected but remembered that he learned that one simple trick to make any girl fall madly in love with him.
Doug: Hey Patty.
Patty turns around and Doug immediately reaches around and sticks his index finger straight into her butthole. Patty swoons, and can no longer keep her eyes off of Doug.
Patty: Doug, it’s like, I can’t resist you. Will you have sex with me and my four super hot, super bi-sexual friends?
Doug: About time you came around you stupid bitch. Hope you’re hungry for mayonnaise Patty.
{and... scene}
